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| Back to kennethique | 13/7/07 Convo!! As you will soon realise, the busier I am the greater the ratio of pics to words there is. So much easier to tell with pics than to paint a picture with words.
1/7/07 I have been writing.. in a nostalgic place..a place where i had some of the best times.. I have been writing..but just not here. 5/6/07 Why THE END OF THE WORLD 28/05/07 OMG. I just realised the sideline happenings and things I do sort of resemble scenes from Grey's or Scrubs. One of those cool medical dramas. Yeah. Going into OT to help out. Clerking weird complex cases (Abdo pain for ix. ?Thyroid storm ? I/O / Dengue???) Running into alot of human emotions. Breaking bad news to relatives and patients. Deaths. Sitting around with fellow docs in corridors and alleys bitching. Drinking with colleagues after work hrs. Gossip about other fellow docs. Learning that colleague had shotgun and fake excuse to take leave. Learning about that not thru him but others of course. Well. The way i say it doesnt make it look very dramaish. Maybe asian version. But no syphilis yet. No making out in call rooms yet. (Actually I dunno, maybe I just dunno yet) No awkward con-Ho relationship yet. No cool gallery where pple can watch major big time ops. 28/05/07 I stared into the face of death today...
CTSP: unrecordable BP Went there couldn't feel the radial pulses. Carotids also waning.. Unresponsive. But at least still heaving. Went out of the cubicle saw my MO and grabbed him. He assessed the patient called nurses for crash cart. I informed the family that she was in her last moments and joined my mo back at the bed. By the time resus trolley came and everything got hooked up, she was in PEA. No more breathing. She is for maximal ward management. No escalation of treatment. So we stood there. The 2 staff nurses, my MO and me. Looking at that lifeline on the ECG wither. My MO went out to document. TOld me to assess and certify death and time of death. Went close to her chest, no chest wall movement. Listened to her chest, no evidence of A/E, heart sounds not present. Lifted her eyelids, shone light. Pupils dilated and fixed. Shook her head from side to side. No doll's eyes. Checked the pupils again.. dilated. Fixed. I zoomed out..her face..lifeless..pale..her eyes looked right through mine. It was eerie..
I stared into the face of death today.
24/5/07 I lay lifeless...motionless... Heart rate has plunged to a low of 50..respiratory rate 10.. GCS 10.. Losing it..Spirit flickering like a flame threatened by the wind.. Will yielding.. Will we lose him?
Just another day of work.
A large part of life is dealing with death.
5/8/07 NBM NPU PFO STO POD PEG CTAP CTSP CPSS CPRS FON CM LBGIT OPS OPD That pretty much sums up my working life so far... Just learnt a new one from my loud and outgoing Reg today. COOC = chill out one corner. Been really tired. Funy thing is I only feel it when i get out of the hospital. Then it just hits u. I have fallen asleep at the traffic light twice, people. Not so dangerous but irritating. to others. Small things make me happy. Like being issued a brand new nokia phone. Must return one lah. "Be my baby" by the Ronettes is super nostalgic!!! I can't stand it. Can you believe it was written in 1963 and used as soundtrack for a movie almost 25 yrs later? Do I have to write an entry abt my birthday? hmmm 22/4/07 Yes, anyway I took another big step today. Stan n Jo were nice to be there to share that moment with me. We just keep getting new experiences as we go on in life but 23 yrs is a lil late for this one. But I did well hee. Under the watchful eyes of evil Stan. Truly, an... eye-opener. Something happened in the past few weeks that reached some form of closure last night/this morning. It's been mind-boggling. Some form of crisis..i guess. What was meant to be really benign and amiable turned out quite unexpectedly..scary.. But. Scary is just a part of it.. Probably more of happiness..fun..understanding..self-exploration..connection... Yeah. Anyway it made me realise how labile we, humans can be. It threw reality right at my face. It made me search the depths of my soul to redefine certain beliefs and perhaps, principles, that I have. But anyway, I'm glad it has gotten a foothold now. This whole matter. Floating around in the vast sea is not exactly a very reassuring and easy thing. To whom it may concern, I'm gonna be around so don't think otherwise..OR..otherwise. Haha. You know what I mean. Don't make things difficult for yourself cos you deserve better stuff. If not, the best. And if I havent said it yet..Thanks. For things I'm not sure I deserve. Sorry for any bad moments, for screwing up yr life or the like. But I know some good will come out of this thing, believe me. And I hope it's a good experience for you as it has been for me. It wasn't easy for me too. k I am blabbering ha. Shd shut up now... 21/4/07 The long-awaited prawning adventure finally happened! We had a nice time chilling by the...prawn pool. Good that Melvyn was experienced but still our catch was dismal no thanks to some company function that was held earlier on. They must have hauled in loads. There was this uncle sitting behind us fishing in the fish pool. Man he was something, he reeled in 3 big fishes in the first 10n minutes we were there. Amazing.
Click on the prawns to see more. 20/4/07 Had a lovely night at Joline's place where she hosted us excellently. Fondue was really elaborate, by my standards at least. And to Stanley: presentation does count... Weird but very relaxing and enjoyable combination of chick flick, fruit fondue, red wine, white wine, pizza and scented candles... Truth and dare did not happen even though there were really nice wine bottles to spin. Oh yes, and Stan pls sign up for AA. I think you have a drinking problem. Hahha..
Also, guess what happened earlier in the day...
I tried to take my life today.... . . . Felt so useless cos I have no alcohol intolerance.... . . . Nah..hahah. Fixed up my kite today and was running the prop at full speed when it cut my wrist. Really looked like slash marks tho. Ha. 18/4/07 Random..
Evil glee...
Hanky panky by THE couple.
The effects panel of the band at Wala Wala. I tell you it was freaking cool. Must have cost a bomb.
Hai need I say more?
mom's name splashed on the hawker table at Holland V. Fancy that!
Found this cutie at the xray department at AH where I had to take an xray for pre-employment screen.
me with the china doll. 17/4/07 Mom's bdae went well. We had a sumptuous dinner at Tanglin Club courtesy of Derrick. After that Me and D proceeded to have our long-awaited duel at IRC. We played 5.5hrs!! Till 330am! Madness!. Battle after battle. Went home, battle-weary body slumped lifeless on bed.. Can't pull long nights for 2 nights consecutively la. Feel like crap today. I must remind myself I am no longer young.
Click on the picture to view more pics! 16/4/07 This holiday is over-rated. Maybe it's just me ha. To-do list has not been getting any shorter. Bad. Especially when the important ones are not done. Krabi was fun. Havent had so much of sun sea sand in a long while. No base tan = high risk of bad sunburn(and possibly carcinoma..). I prayed for good weather, i.e. no rain, but I did not expect the weather to be scorching. I found it surprising and amusing that we were the only asian tourists around. We were probably the only asian guests at our resort which invited lots of curious stares... Golden beach resort, the..'almost 4 star' hotel was good minus the aircon malfunction which really worsened our already tragic sleeping situation. Did lots of snorkelling!!! Good snorkels are ESSENTIAL if you wanna have a good snorkelling experience, in other words if u want to saturate yr senses with the marine life rather than the... seawater.. Uber cool la!! So many tangs swimming around!! Snowflake eels..garden eels..sea fans (just a few) lots of leather corals! So priceless yet I can't help thinking how much those fishes are worth if caught and sold in marine fish shops. This is where they belong!!! The big vast ocean! All in all, was a great short getaway. Was relaxing and fun with Stan, Yiming and Mel. My first time going on a trip with S and Y but they were wonderful. Wanna thank them for being so accommodating too. See my Crab Bee pictures here!! 23/1/07 Inspirational... "You can break the destructive cycles that ensnare you. Be smart, have a plan and hold on to the people you love." -- Chris Gardner Asian of the year 2007 - Dr. Sanduk Ruit. Guido Daniele --
23/1/07 I find myself surrendering at a very early hour these days. No not because I've been studying too hard, but because my eyes get unbearably dry too easily. Do I have Srogren's Syndrome?? And the gritty feeling just makes me feel tired. Eye drops sting my eyes. What to do..? 15/1/07 Every now and then, it's really nice to get to meet doctors who really inspire you. Just yesterday, another of such awe-inspiring doctors came along - Dr. Daniel Oh. Ok , nice big eyes, handsome cute face, impeccable dressing aside, he exudes this charm and aura about him that tells people, "hey the Boss is here and he knows his stuff. " I guess in this respect, it is nice to be an expert in your very own field. It is something to be proud of, to be renowned expert whom people can trust. But alas, specialising ain't that easy and you gotta be prepared to sacrifice alot. One of the many grievances I have against my time and education in Med school is that conflict of knowledge abounds. Since when was glabellar tap not a sign of frontal lobe release?!? Amidst all the shouting of people trying to get my attention at the Round Table, who should I listen to? Argh.. Screws up my approach to Parkinson's. Seems like i gotta get down to working those dumb bells again. According to Jeremy the expert, building more muscles ultimately leads to burning of more fat because the myocytes burn more calories. Well he is DA man so gotta believe. And Da man also thinks nothing of Tag Huer...sheesh. "So what?" he says, casting a nonchalant glance at his TH. I wonder when everyone else is getting their first TH after graduation what would he be getting as grad gift man. I have found myself caught in between 2 opposing factions. A sort ofa conflict of interest. A situation I did not expect to find myself in. But being at the receiving end of a gift anyway, I really can't say much. Ha. Hey if it's functional, it's good enough for me. Was walking home from the bustop just the other day when I witnessed this young couple openly kissing in the public. I mean these kids were like 14 15 max? What was more interesting was it made me really uncomfortable! Yeah. Will never forget that imagery. It seemed kinda cute actually but due to the extreme prematurity of subjects involved, it just made it weird. It's crazy how kids these days are so much more open about their feelings and comfortable with displaying their er..affection. I know I can be a little uptight and traditional but watching kids holding text that read "Geography 2: Understanding our earth" engage in a long passionate kiss is crossing the line. While more and more young people are getting into relationships at a really preteen age, the other graph runs totally in an opposite direction with more and more people avoiding marriage and tying the knot at an older age. Hm not sure what that means and whether they correlate.. Wonder what Steven D. Levitt, the freakonomics expert, has to say about this social phenonmenon. Does it take one evil mind to seek out another? Just like how it takes a gay to expose another. 12/1/07 Chinese Lesson today: "Xin1 men2" = Heart valve "Gang1 men2" = Anal canal
Medical lesson today: One can change a "xin1 men2" easily but no one has ever changed a "gang1 men2"...lol Stanley pls don't kill me for this haha. Poor fella, asked the patient " Uncle, ni huan le ji ge GANG1 MEN2...." to which the uncle stared blankly Gosh, if there is any CME they should really push for, it's gotta be one on "The accurate translation of English medical terms into Chinese andthe various local dialects ". This is a difficulty I have too. I thought I would never have problems explaining to patients in Chinese, but when it comes down to examining a Chinese-speaking patient I sound all funny. Thurs' CTS was low yield. Yep, my favourite phrase these days. Spending 2 hours on travelling isn't sth one can endure for long. Anyway, Prof CBL is getting more and more humourous by the day. I think he can make a good stand-up comedian. And so we learnt that in a local study done by the very much revered forensic pathologist -- the late Prof Chao -- in 8/125 cases of sudden death, the cause was due to sexual intercourse. And interestingly, these people did not die in the act but after the act, while they were bathing or enjoying a cigarette. What is perhaps even more interesting and suggestive was that all these cases were ilicit love affairs. Now how about that. Yes, low sample size can't conclude much but all 8 cases??? Ha, I don't know what to say.. Back to the age old adage " To heal sometimes, to relieve often, to comfort always.." It is no doubt that Medcine can do little when it comes to the healing of damage that has already been done. The elusive cure for so many diseases of immense proportion and magnitude in an epidemiological sense remains...at large. However the advances in medicine in the area of disease modification has been tremendous. It is one of mankind's greatest achievements to prolong the lifespan of modern man. And once ina while you get the beneficiaries of modern life-saving medicine come forth to speak of it's goodness. Like Dick Cheney. That guy has had more CABGs and stents done than anyone I've yet seen. Good for him I guess ha. These days I just get so tired so easily. Feel so sapped..so inadequate. Everything has to come together now. Like NOW! Gotta lose that medical student mentality. Once the white coat comes off, the immunity vanishes and lives are at stake. Was so stumped when friend msged me asking for advice about her mom who was bleeding after a hemorrhoidal ligation. Basic things. Common sensical things. And you won't kill no one. Anyway, hope her mom's alright by now. 8/1/07 Well thought I would change a little something about my blog since it's the beginning of a new year but heck, no time. I did something different yesterday. After the usual quiet dinner that I always have, with the only noise coming from the TV, I went upstairs but instead of turning into my room to resume my place in the "warzone", I actually switched on the TV, sat down on the couch and watched HOUSE on axn. So what about it you say. Nothing special but I really enjoyed it. Been a long time since I really enjoyed watching tv. I felt relaxed. Even blissful. To be far away from what usually pre-occupies my mind. I had the sensation of "letting go", in all the zen-ness of the phrase. It felt good. I guess this is the joy they talk about when you free yourself from...hmm practically anything that holds you down. (Free your mind so Morpheus says) Sometimes we get so caught up with duties responsibilities expectations pressure to perform doubts cannot waste time.. this whole oppressive way of living that we miss out on the simple pleasures in life. The joy of saturating your senses as you jog leisurely through the neighbourhood is immensely rejuvenating. Really. Being wowed by the brilliant houses hidden in the most unexpected places, catching whiffs of the hypnotic scents emanating from a most extraordinary garden, hearing the beautiful notes slide off the violin of a kid practising in his room, having the setting sun cast its warm orange hue on me as I trot down a steep slope almost carried by the strong breeze. Enchanting! And then there was the park where I was so fascinated by how parents actually take time off to play with their kids. No recollection whatsoever of that happening to me back when I was small and xmas trees were tall...Ooh this song has such a special place in my heart. And pleasantly surprised to find a grown-up donned in sporty soccer jersey sharing God's word with a bunch of teens after a game of soccer. The squeals of kids pendulating dangerously on the swings, chirps of the birds high up in the trees. It almost sounds poetic right? Best part was of me gazing up into the vast blue sky. Yeah something I really like to do. I like the feeling of being in the vast open, free from the concrete jungle, contemplating how small I am in this whole wide universe. Wondering about silly things like why doesn't God give signs by shaping the clouds and why IS the sky BLUE? Funny how almost every kid gets it wrong in their drawings. Hands up whoever once drew blue coloured clouds on a white sky. Parents are in Bangkok now. It's madness. No not because it is right after the bombings but because they have been on a travelling streak. Like an average of 1 trip every 2 months for the whole of last year? Mom was worried about the bombs but I reasoned with her, well more like stated the obvious, that the safest period is in fact immediately after a bomb blast. When was America at the height of it's security? You guessed it. Post 9-11. Researchers have found that infection with Toxoplasmosis Gondii in women actually make them more attractive and appealing while the same bug actually makes men dumb. Sex kittens and alley cats. Right...so no more sugar cane juice for me, for the time being at least. Wait, do alley cats end up with sex kittens? Haha. A mentor and a friend told me "just do what you need to do, God has great plans for you. Let's pray". It makes things sound so simple. But there is truth in it. No point worrying about things you cannot control. Change what you can. And when I mentioned it to a pal of mine, he blew me away with another enlightening point of view. " But it is often the things which we cannot control that matter most in life." What are the things that are bothering you today?
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..." ni shi jiang xin1 men2 dui mah?"