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25/6/05 School's starting real soon. Time to clear my desk and room and prepare for a hectic life again. Dean sent us a very poignant speech by Steve Jobs. Very inspired but at the same time lost after reading it. I yearn for the kind of life where we really don't have to live for other people. Where we are bold enough to step out of our comfort zone to find our calling. Not sure if you can find your calling though.. Sometimes I am just so sick of living in a very controlled environment. Where most of the time there is just so much you are allowed to say or do to bot be labelled weird. Peer pressure sucks. Hate that we have to think of other's feelings before we act or say. I mean I always thought we just need to be ourselves and naturally birds of the same feather will flock together. But no.... Don't know why I find myself in sucha predicament. One day, one fine day I may really break. Don't misunderstand me. I am not being hypocrite.. It's just not in me to go against people. I belong to the number 2. And duads will just go out of their way to avoid strife and discord. So I do try to be flexible and flow along but do not bend me too much. If i don't complain about your ways don't pick on mine. One shoudl know better. I am not in a belligerent mood. I just hope you friends will understand me, especially closer ones. 22/6/05 That's the problem when you wait too long to update blogs. Lose everything you want to say. 2 weeks of hols almost up! But it has been great so far. Everyday's busy, got things to do, people to meet. I really need to allot 2 days for tidying up my room though. Total mess. Ooh speaking of which, friday goona visit a fellow room-too-messy-forever-tidying-up. Hah, hope it goes through tho. Plus i got agenda on hand for visiting heh.. Anyway, argh let's see tape roll back. 11th June - Batam trip. Good trip. Enjoyed company more than place. Nothing in Batam really. Lack of security freaks me a little. But CHEAP!! Er ok can't remember already hahah. Bought books. Met up with friends. Fixed tank lights. Attended cousin's wedding. Watched taxi and Prisoner of Azkaban!! So in love with hermione... I am not a Paedophile!!
16/6/05 Wah it's been super long... Half a month! Despite all the free time I have.. Heh. But one good thing about not blogging for very long... people think your blog has died and they stop visiting so often. Hmm very contradictory huh, why would I want to stop people from coming so often when the purpose of a blog is often to let people read about your daily happenings. I guess after a while, you feel that exposng your life in such a manner can get quite scary. And you start to yearn for that privacy and anonymity... I have not been a very good blogger I admit. Nothing like xiaxue, the more recent fave SPG or even my some of my friends like Dopey. I don't have lots of interesting stuff, nor do I tickle people with my sense of humour. So maybe I guess at the end of the day, I just need a space to sort of record my thoughts and feelings, however random and erratic. It's an outlet for me to vent my frustrations. I say things where readers may not understand but i hope you'll understand... 31/5/05 New
month tomorrow! Yay!
Say who was the bloody idiot who put the sugar in?!!? That could not possibly have been me. Uh UH... How can someone as smart n brilliant as me do such a thing?! Hah, you gotta be kidding man, come on now, own up and I'll forgive ya.. Who did it?
Heh... 27/5/05 The best things in life aren't things... 22/5/05 Haha
had a great time today with the twins, kelvin, mingxian and zhenwei. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Haha try this game! 21/5/05 Ok, I've just been very stressed by my tuition kid's Dad... I guess that's how parents are..always worried. I mean I spent half an hour just talking to him about Mel. He's got this very concerned and worried look that really disturbs me. I am not a miracle worker and I had my A levels like 5 yrs ago? I mean i genuinely want to help Mel, God knows. I put in effort to try to make the sessions interesting, I try to explain very clearly the concepts sometimes even using weird analogies haha but I get the feeling she is warming up to me now and may I say even participative in the tuition. Went back to see Dr. Goh today at NCC. Everytime i see her i get inspired by her. She is really something. Hai... How can I practise Med if I don't even know what's the difference between curing and healing?!??!! 18/5/05 Just watched a documentary on teens getting AIDS in singapore. The numbers are alarming. Most of them get casual partners from the net and you know how teens are so into icq and chatting nowadays.. They are so vulnerable and gullible. Anyway, on the show albeit with his identity protected was an undergrad in NUS who was recently diagnosed with AIDS. He first started having casual sex with strangers he met from the net when he was 16.. But what I want to say is really about this group that appeared on the show. They preached against premarital sex. They even have this small little card that is really a pledge card, where you pledge to "save for marriage". Er..hello, that is so not the solution? I mean sex is more of a freedom of choice. You can't stop people from having sex before they are married. So what about singles who intend to remain single? Obviously the pledge does not apply to them... I think a more important solution and precaution that the show should have emphasised more is the concept of safe sex. To me, safe sex does not merely mean condoms but also being faithful to your sex partners. Sticking to a regular sex partner. Note you do not have to be married to have A sex partner... 16/5/05 Dr. Cynthia Goh said something pretty meaningful today..just struck me. A relationship is 2 way..you try to change the person, you yourself will be changed by the person... 14/5/05 Haha for once, patient take notice of us in the clinics! Mr. Lim: " These are my young doctors, ask them they will tell you..." Patient: " So these are handsome young doctors huh." Josh and I didn't know what to say haha. Anyway was a very long day today. Our farewell was less than sentimental... Gave Mr. Lim a card, a photo frame with our pic inside and an Ikea tea/coffee strainer. I was this close to Valerie...but didn't know I was face to face with a feisty, sophisticated Tigress... But I disrobed her...and I touched her arm...and I sat beside her...and I held/touched her hand... Ok the past few sentences have not been said in context, just to create some hype haha. 10/5/05 OMG! I can't believe what I got for my birthday today from my CG mates.. My very first T5!!! Argh!! I am overjoyed! Ecstatic!! Thank you all you sweet people! Heh. Thanks Wenke! For coming up with the idea! Now I am all ready to assemble my forte wah hahah. Hmm since i have told you all one of my birthday presents, maybe I shall just tell you all my presents since there aren't many... Haha.
From Josh. I really like it cos it's Abercrombie n Fitch! Erm... I
mean Abreadcrumb n Fish! Ah haha
From
Mel. Haha Bro imagine I am some model or what hahah, such a classy/glam
watch wor... Think only consultants can carry that posh image hee.
But then again what the heck... I'll be a yuppie med student ah haha
From
Skeel! Haha wah this is like the most stylo opt mouse I'll ever own
haha. And it's orange somemore!! Hee
Ok
this is probably gonna be the most unique present of all ah haha.
Quick everyone make a guess what lies within the sweet pink bag..
Behold
everyone! My very first T5!! Very High Output Light!! Armed with my
T5 in my right hand and my aquaC in my left, who can stop me?!?!!
Muahahaha Okie probably very ungrateful if i don't thank mum n dad for the big ang bao and sis for the pair of leather shoes hee. Yup so THANK YOU! I always thought cannot expect much for bdaes after your 21st but hmm looks like I am wrong haha. 8/5/05 Hmm
Yay I finally did my blind/curtain!! 7/5/05 Wah
haha LFS dayt oday haha! Met up with Wenke and Dopey to go Janet's!
Heh me and wenke ended up buying as usual...ah!! 5/5/05 Went through my bdae waiting and hoping.... Very disappointed... I am lost for words... Too baffled..too angry...too depressed...too disillusioned..too hopeless... too tired... She acually forgotten my birthday... Is an sms too much to ask for? Fool! She is no longer there... 30/4/05 Fig. 1 Xray film shows incarcerated "Impulse Body Spray" perfume bottle Fig. 2 Xray film shows commercially available 20 by 4cm rubber dildo And
yes that position is in the rectum Haha
actually Wenky and Joan got quite close la. So congrats! Skittles
for both of you!! 16/4/05 Erm ok guys what do u see on the 2 xrays or rather what is the striking abnormality ? (answers in next entry) Feel free to post yr answers in the tag board. Correct answers get skeetles courtesy of Catharsis Inc.
16/4/05 HAPPY BIRTHDAY MUMMY!! 14/4/05 Afterlife telegrams...believe it or not! 13/4/05 "There are 2 types of men -- those who are crazy over football but not cars...and those who are crazy over cars but not football.." 12/4/05 Was in the bus today, thinking of my current state of life now. What struck me was I am always trying to change but cannot find the determination to. And even when I do make slight changes, I would find myself reverting to the old state of affairs. And the area is once again back up on my to-change list. How depressing.. 8/4/05 Came
back ard 8 plus this morn and slept til 4 plus!! Super tired. But
it was a good run last night! oh yeah. Saw very "heavy"
cases. The paramedics and medics were really nice people! had a great
time with them. Learnt lots from Joan, geetha and Saiful hah. Nice
bunch esp Joan. Very pleasant gal, talked to me most of the time to
keep boredom away in the wee hours of morn It was the first time I actually performed CPR on a real person.. It was the first time I saw a dead person. Ok before you start to link the 2 up... I did not kill the person with my lousy CPR nor did I fail to revive the person rather corpse due to incorrect CPR. She was long gone before we arrived... It was really an experience. Everything from the moment we arrived. I was the first to step into the room.. there she lay..there it was staring at me.. the face of death. Have you ever seen a dead person? As in really when they just die. Not when they have their eyes closed or when they are all nicely dressed up and puffed up with formalin in the coffin. It really grips your heart. I could feel the air of morbidity or rather mortality. Smell of death. As expected she was all cold when I touched her. Cachectic woman. We laid her on the floor. Saiful bagged her while I started chest compressions. Geetha placed the defib pads. I didnt know what to think or feel. Frankly, I was stumped alittle. DAzed a little. I just kept pumping. We did a few cycles. The pulse did not return. I even broke a rib towards the end. Felt really bad. I had to calm myself a little after that. It was then that the matter really sank in. Very appropriately, sounds of Amazing grace came flowing from the neighbour's stereo... I just felt so sad for the husband and the boy. The kid had been talking to her the whole day not knowing that the mother had died while she lay in bed... I have to get used to death I guess.. I will.. But for now, I shed a tear.. let it be a tear for mankind.. for those lost and those who will be everyday.. 6/4/05 I
am forever smitten with older female doctors... 4/405
"I
was bruised and battered and I couldn’t tell
Lyrics... These lyrics of Bruce Springsteen's song came to my head.. as I saw her lying there.. motionless.. bruised and battered.. It was heart wrenching.
Always hear about them in the news, read about them in the papers but never came this close to seeing it real life.
The monitors beeped away. There was an air of urgency around her. Doc was scuttering around. Nurses rushed to open endotracheal tubes, Doc rushed to intubate. The only sound from her was the wheeze coming from her lungs due to mechanical ventilation.
Who? Who was it? How could they? What have they done to her? I can't believe it but in my mind I was beginning to piece together the puzzle, the event.
Her eyes were half open. I'd rather they remain close. For in between the eyelids were bloodshot eyes. Not a tale of anger. She was bleeding in the eyes. the periorbital edema and bruise --evidence of trauma. They were pleading. Her eyes. Pleading for the battering to stop.
She didn't want to live. Yeah. Must be. Had an overdose. Did she think of her family then?
There were signs of trauma all over. Chronic. Old bruises. to her right breast left chest..all over. Xray showed a broken 8th rib in the left chest. "Give me a smaller tube!" Her airway was too small. Doc commented she was a very small girl. Everything. So frail. She was still a child..
Here lying right before my eyes... a case of maid abuse. |
||
Heh new month means can buy new fish stuff, allowance, 1 month closer
to graduating. Anyway talking about my fish
Hai... Did something really stoooopid
).
Anyway, yes. There we have it. I never really stopped to think for
a moment why am I adding sugar to the live rocks. IF I did, I would
have realised
Especially towards the later part of the day when zhenwei mingxian
and I headed off to Si Bei Lor cos MX wanted to pray at the Guan Yin
Miao, which to our disappointment was closed. Then we went abit crazy
somewhere along the way. We started talking in hokkien. Oh my hahaha
It was really funny conversing in the dialect. We sounded like ah
bengs and yet at the same time like ah sohs but we certainly didn't
look like either haha.
Thanks bro!
A big
thank you to Wenke, Dopey, Stanley aka Stan mcfairyland, Delice aka
EW, Reema, Shengyong and Josh! 
It looks so nice!! Thank you DAD!
K i know
wenke u can't stand me liao haha.
| Back to kennethique | 3/4/05 Had
a long night last at CGH. Night duty. Not too bad but yeah after 2am
kinda started getting really quiet. I saw an acute retention f urine!
Haha any urologic case interests me especially BPH. Anyway, to cut the
story short. This indian man could not pass any urnie for 1 day. Now,
cannot pass doesn't mean NO urine ( anuria ) It's different. Urine is
still produced just that it collects in the bladder over time!! Imagine
filling a ballon with water from the tap. Yeah. It's really uncomfortable.
Yah anyway SOP is to insert urine catheter right? But the docs couldnt
pass it thru cos e [rpstate was too big. There was even some bleeding
already. So how? Suprapubic catheterisation lor. This is the first time
i actually see it done. Man when the bladder was punctured by the big
needle like thing, Lo and Behold! We were treated to a urine fountain!
Ok on to something less gross for you. I was just about to set an IV plug for this old man with breathing difficulties. The HO gave me permissino. Then from out of nowhere i the most crucial of moments when the needle tip just punctures the skin, a voice came from behind and protested. WTH! " Miss, I have to protest. My father-in-law is already so sick....blah blah blah " DP man DP. I am DP ok. If you want me to stop. If you want the HO to do it instead by all means stop me BEFORE I actually poke. Don't make some noise and create havoc when I am in. Dr Lee quickly sensed something wrong and hushed the patient and took over from me. I admit I was furious initially. Not furious lah. Just displeased with the attitude of the relative. It wasn't as if I seemed unsure of what to do, it wasn't as if my hand was shaking real bad. But as time went on, I began to feel a struggle. Sometimes you really can't blame the relatives. They are really very worried and concerned. they don't know how bad the condition is, unlike us, we ssee so many of it they are like bread and butter. Hence the disparity may cause some misunderstanding. You can never blame anyone for being concerned and worried for a loved one... 1/4/05 I won a PEUGEOT 407!!!!
Ahhh.....
my dream car.. 31/3/05 K it's 3.45 am now.. really should be sleeping.. But chanced upon a picture of her and her family.. It was just too much to handle. It pains me to see these faces, faces which were once so warm n familiar, so comforting and assuring. They treated me like their own. I felt like part of the family. They were really nice to me.. then. Today, I can only see them in pictures.. I can only recall their goodness. It's painful i DOn't know why. Couldn't look at the picture for long, it seems so glaring... It's shouting at me... I don't know why.... I miss those times, those days. Did i take them forgranted? Yes and no. Yes because from what I feel now, I guess I did take it forgranted that everything was to last forever. No because I have never for a moment not appreciated their goodness or not recognised their generosity towards me. I always respected them. Always wanted to be good to them. Alas, did I not do enough? I don't know.. I feel such pain..it's coming back..the pain of an old wound..an unhealing one... I have run out of morphine.. I can no longer be in self-denial.. I miss them..I miss her yes. I am just so messed up. I can't explain it, many things cannot be explained. Things have changed alot today. I don't think it would be the same anymore if I were given another chance. The impetus is not there. Instead, I suspect fear and uncertainty would be in its place. But nonetheless, I get these hunger pangs. I hunger for the normalcy that used to be. I hunger for the life then. Maybe it's because it's in my nature to like routine and order? I don't know but memories..memories can certainly be tormenting... 30/3/05 Damn
tired today. CPR is tiring hah... Hope i can get to practise it, someone
pls collapse tomorrow at A&E!! Better still gimme a ventricular
fib! I can shock u like ER action heh. Oh yah, sorrie for the broken
link "strange" 2 posts up. Try again and be amused/shocked
heh 29/3/05 Ok I am not dead. Just a little lazy and contemplative.. Thinking about stuff as usual.. Will come down from the mountain when I have sought and meditated on the commandments k... 22/3/05 This is interesting. For those who always wondered why Michael Jackson is acting so strange... 16/3/05 OMG. I can't believe it. Banana Republic that my dear Stan has been mentioning oh-so-often (because his favourite episode of W&G is the BR one) is actually a label?!?! Oh gosh. Looks ex too. http://www.bananarepublic.com/default.htm 16/3/05 Great. It's the time in the hols where you know you don't have much time left cos half of it just slipped by and you know you haven't done much and you feel so darn lazy to get up and do all the thigns on your to-do list which you had penned as a relaxation during study period before exams. Sucre..I mean I have so many things to do and yet here I am, feeling so lazy and softy ("nua"). But it's not my fault! The auntie just called to say my tank's not ready. So what can i do? My glider's er.. er... yah sitting there waiting for me lavish my lovin' Oh well i guess I really am a procrastinator. Saw some spy cameras going for 45 bucks at Sim Lim. Heh have this crazy idea to hook one up to my plane. But that would cost another 150? But it would be so cool to do an air surveillance/recon thing. Heh. All the childhood boyish dreams...ah... Anyway I've been receiving complains that this blog is seriously lacking pictures! OMG..guilty guilty... k here's a picture! I was toying with the idea of a totally new hairstyle. Wanted something that wold really break the "squareness" of my image. Something spiky, something hip... so..
Tada!
16/3/05 Just did a random search for proper food for hermit crab.. This is what I found: Fresh foods and treats you can try include
I say my my, man..are pets nowadays lucky. There are even ice creams specially made for dogs! 15/3/05 Woah ho, it's movie marathon man. Watched CLOSER last night in the wee hours of the morn. Yeah totally intended to freak myself out. Haha. I like freaking myself out, switching on the flight or fight response, it sort of stimulates yr body.. jolts it. It's a pretty scary movie. Not so much of gore or blood or long hair long nails type so cliche in Korean Horror films. I like this movie because it has a scientific basis. EVP is a scientific or rather paranormal phenonmenon. Anyway I
don't have much to complain about it just that the "white noise"
is very disturbing. All that static and mixed voices, many times it
just frustrates you. Well anyway, any theme to do with the paranormal
is always popular and intriguing. Is there Life after death? K I know
I am going to be Ok just watched Ocean's 12. 12/3/05 Wah
it's been quite some time... But finally exams are over!! K went out with CMC on thurs for dinner n movie. Really been a long time since we met up.. wah like since last year? Was hoping to catch up with her and probably cheer her up cos somehow sense she is going through a down period again. Watched Hitch. Realli farnie!!! haha i was quite amused by how the movie successfully induced a synchronised "WAhhhh" in the movie-goers at certain awe-inspiring moments heh. Some peple are such animals... they go to bed
on the 3rd date?!?!! What the.. 1) If a girl fiddles with her keys at her doorstep instead of going straight in, its a cue for some lip action.. 2) A lady will know how this relationship is going to go from the FIRST kiss.. It tells it all.. 3) You can be fat and clumsy and yet make a rch and beautiful lady fall in love with you 4) We need more of Date Docs like Hitch in Sg! Heh. 7/3/05 Acarbose!! just realised left out 2 points for sulphonylureas... this sucres.. I don't want viva ah... 1/03/05 It's been a long time. I don't know.. really don't want to be too complacent. I felt like this last year before the exams but it was still a disaster.. so I'll just mug on..well try to.. It's the sick feeling of feeding your brain the same things 24/7. And everytime you go through you find something new and more things to remember. I am the paranoid type and I often go out of point.. like learn out of point. Learn the interesting bits but very unlikely to be examinable bits.. I'm really afraid that learning and remembering so much will give me a false sense of security.. what if I'm like heading in the wrong direction? I always admire people who are so exam smart. They can pick up the slightest hints and trends. I'm just plain dumb though I try to be less exam dumb. I don't want history to repeat ah... better go back to my books... notes.. drugs.. sideeffects.. drug-drug interactions..PK..PD..sucre!But anyway, if anyone knows whether Meglitinides cause hepatotoxicity anot, PLEASE tell me.. Actually it's just you. Heh yeah you..talking to you but pretending I got alot of readers.. I feel like jolting my reserve neurones to life by electrocuting myself but then again I'm afraid it may RESET everything argh... PArt UN “Professor Fletcher, we’ve done it!” As I walked into the Sleep Lab, Mark who was the first to detect my presence enthused. The rest of the team slowly peeled away from the big glass window of the experiment room as I stepped up. The subject was a young man, probably in his 20s, donned in pyjamas lay on a bed, all wired up to the monitors and signaling processors. Though he was some 6 ft from the observation glass panel, I could see the eye movements and the muscle fasciculations most prominent in his extremities. I turned to look at the brain wave monitor at the workstation. Karen who was almost anticipating my reaction immediately clicked on a separate view showing brain wave sequences for the past 8 hours. “He’s the best we’ve seen so far, professor. We’ve managed to narrow it down to an amplitude of 8 to 10GK and freq range of 20 to 35 Hz. And oh yeah, with 5% dormicum IV. Subject has been treated and primed exactly according to protocols. No agitation in 24hr period, no pills or medications.” I looked up at the team in anticipation of the final confirmation, I could feel a wave of elation rising up in me. Could this really be it? Could all these years of waiting and finding finally culminate in this moment? John stepped over. The sparkle in his eyes told me something. “ Sir, we’ve run the SigmaT Program on it.” Silence. I waited for him to continue in bated breath. “all 5 cycles showed a stunning 83.8% gravity of control with a 95% C.I.of 81% to 88%. P was <0.05”. Silence. And
then it came, my face which had been firm and stern all this while broke
into a wide smile. No, it was a guffaw. Heartiest laugh I’ve had
all these months, all these years. My reaction promptly galvanized the
atmosphere and the entire team started clapping and hugging each other.
Everyone wore the smile of triumph. It was joy and satisfaction like
we’ve never seen before. I turned to John, “Have you told
Lee about it?” Almost as if in reply, there was pop of champagne
and that familiar voice “Well you bet he did! I’ve been
waiting for this champagne for years!” The celebration wore on
through the night. It seemed as if the Sleep Lab at St. Luke’s
Valley was the happiest place on earth that night. 17/02/04 Great my eyes are so sore and tired I feel like I have the smallest eyes in the world.. There's this emoticon in msn that has really small eyes haha but can't put la..Wait maybe can..hmm 16/2/05 HAHA many people have been asking me why I haven't been blogging. Well I have, just that not in freewebs. Think life is like this, we often have to leave a place after being in e same environment for so long.. Well I can't say for all people, but I am one who likes to have a little change of environment every now and then. That's why i try to shift the stuff around in my room. I try to decorate it so that it looks different. SOMETIMES when I lie in bed and look around my room, I feel I'm really blessed. I'm fortunate enough to be able to dabble in the things I like and have interest in. Whatever I hoped and wished for, somehow my parents would help me achieve and fulfill them. Take for example, I have always wanted to play remote controlled model aeroplanes and yeah, my mum kindly gave me a lump sump to start me up on this hobby. I've also had the chance to explore the musical side of me. Dad bought me my first guitar when I was in primary 6. Then, 300 bucks was a lot of money k considering a bowl of noodles in parry only costs 60cents then. Subsequently, he bought me my 1st electric guitar so that i could go and jam with my friends in JC and perform on stage. And what about handphones and mountain bike and other stuff... Yah, sometimes I really can't thank God enough for all the good things in my life. i thank God for such wonderful parents who really see to it that I experience all that i want to. I really can't ask for more.. Even when I am currently spending money on marine fishes, they are also as supportive. Sometimes my mum would grumble a little but I know deep down she's willing to let me go ahead and do what I enjoy. Kids nowadays are really fortunate. 14/2/05 Had a great night. With my bro yeah. We had Pink Lady and Henessy Cognac. Ooooh it was a booze night haha. Yeah but a lonely night for 2 guys without dates.. (more for me tho) But seriously I don't care, not even when my dad came home and shot a "wah, so u r spending Valentines with your fishes ah?" ... Hey, spending good time with a very close friend is equally fulfillling and wonderful. Melvyn has become almost like a family friend. He was even there to give his expertise and know-how on cars when we were choosing a new car. Very well-mannered guy, gone through thick n thin with me since JC. We survived a major misunderstanding and the whims and angst of growing up. This fishy thing i have going on, well you've guessed it. He was the one who started me up on it! Gave me my first live pet, a V-tail fighting fish for my 17th birthday haha. I really should save all this for his wedding day haha. Well, kudos to him.
13/2/05 REality check.. 12/2/05 I really don't know what to think.. I'm at a point where I really feel like giving up. I don't know where this is leading.. DO you? I mean it's been so long.. but strangely to me it's just yesterday. It's gnawing at me constantly. I don't know what to do.. except for the regular doses of self denial.. thinking time would give me an answer, would show the way. At times I even test myself by having a short pyscho test of sorts. Flashing scenarios and what-ifs infront of me..what if this happens one day? What if you finally said the cutting words one day? Deep down I know these what-ifs will one day be so-it-is. I think really..the answer..the ??I'm looking for..will come when the time has come for you to start a new life. But til then, I'll continue popping self-help tablets down my throat whenever the emotional delirium hits. I'll promise to go for my regular checkups with Mr. Alter-ego and assess my readiness. I'm just looking for an equilibirum in the way of life. I'm tired of thinking about should-Is and could-Is. And I'm tired that Mr. Alter-ego continually discourages me and mocks me by spreading the truth out right in front of me...that I'm just a fool doing all these when nothing is reciprocrated. Not even occasional smses from you. Not even a card in the mailbox. Not even festive wishes.. It's against my threshold of logic n reason that I'm acting like that n behaving like that in such circumstances. Unconditional love? Please I'm not God and hence this has to be ruled out.. But but it's not even love I'm talking or discussing here, it's about a simple friendship. This is not even friendship, my friends do better.. so comes the question: who r you in my life? I get doused in hot and cold water from you. I can't go on acting like there's nothing wrong. I'm not used to not talking to someone whom I've known for a good part of my late teens for like months (not even chatting on msn when both r online, I m always e one who starts..) then suddenly sending her home and dropping her cards and stuff.. It's erratic. I gives me a very insecure feeling. Like I can wake up one day and pass you on the streets and you may just walk past with a cursory "hi". It takes 2 to clap. Kinship, love, friendship. Even at the least, it takes both to put in effort. I don't know how long I can last.. running blind.. 9/2/05 HAppie CNY everyone! Shall start my first entry in this new site on the very first day of Lunar New Year! Hmm, somethings have evolved as a family tradition over the years and I really like it. It shows we have matured as a family and probably our status has changed. Now, every CNY eve we'll have reunion dinner at our own home. In the past, used to go to BP my parents hometown and where some 75% of our relatives are, to have reunion dinner. Not exactly very happening, more of a formality, no fun and we don't exactly get along well with some relatives. But yeah, now having it right here in our own home is so much cosier and warmer. And without fail, we'll have steamboat!! Yep. Then as the clock strikes 12, my sis and I will wish our parents (bai nian) and it's quite some formal thing heh. Oh yeah and I got the biggest ang bao in my life up til now. From my parents!! I won't say lah. You know how it is..you say people say you hao lian or scarlee people have ever gotten bigger ang baos then you lak sei. Gonna go do some more bai nian later. |
|
| Past entries on Freewebs |
for
even casting doubt on such a question especially when I am a Christian..
But i just still have so much to learn and be enlightened.. I think
I should really go for Alpha with JY. 
Haha
but there were a few interesting things I learnt..